students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary
have two important qualities as a doctor :
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'Life's tough,
it's even tougher if you're stupid.
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher
baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips
and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul,
brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies. And with
that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later,
he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"
Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time
leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again:
"Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"
Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"
At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full
minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the
preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"
Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher:
"You sure this is where he fell in?"
feeling depressed last week, so I called the mental health help line. Like
all other call centers, it has been outsourced to a third world location.
When I told the operator in Pakistan that I was feeling suicidal, he got
very excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.
This gay bloke tells his boyfriend that he has
got a nice new tattoo on his arse as a special treat for him, so anyway he
pulls his pants down and bends over to reveal Mike Tyson on the right
cheek, and Lennox Lewis on the other, his boyfriend shrieks "Oh, my god,
there's no way I'm getting into the ring with those two fuckers!"
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was
feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as
the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter
leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit
the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it,
rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter
was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do
that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he goingto tell?"
A lesbian joins weight watchers. Her teacher
tells her, "You are what you eat." The lesbian knocks her out with one
When asked why she did it she replies... "'cos she called me a cunt"!!
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was
walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had
never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to
stop. "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen", the frog
said. "I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish
for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it
on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears
in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the
engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that
all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the
boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs
bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His
mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."
A biker was riding along a California
beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
voice, God said, "Because you have tried to
be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
God said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of
the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honour and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
God replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Father Shamus O'Malley in a small Irish village loved the rooster
and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he
questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant".
Finally Father O'Malley said "Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35
years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
At the last house he was met at the door by a beautiful woman in a
negligee. She led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had
enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The
lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
| In a
hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on
Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the
deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden
crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he
could use the vacuum cleaner.
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the
beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The
second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical
college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did all of it through the muffler."
A man took his wife to the
rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They
went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully
nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See He mated 50 times last year
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's
could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
the same cow."
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do wom en have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a w oman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack
and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove
in and surfaced with no thing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem
with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his
head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil
smiled and said
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3,
Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 ,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:..APOLOGIZE! because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0
, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,